dear UNC: thanks. love, courtney

Carolina,

I’ve been thinking a lot about you ever since we said our final goodbyes. (Actually, that's a lie—I don't think I've ever been happier to graduate and get the hell out of Dodge, but that's besides the point. I'm trying to sound sentimental here, so just go with it, OK?)

In particular, I've been trying to gain a sense of closure regarding our tumultuous four-year relationship that's finally come to an end. The best way for me to do that, I think, is to reflect on what you've taught me.

When my children ask whether or not they should go to college, I’m going to tell them yes, but not for the reasons they might think. I'm not going to tell them to go for the classes or professors (though if they get lucky, they might have some incredible ones), or for the degree they'll walk out with that apparently proves to the world their so-called competence. Nope—I'm going to tell them to go for everything besides actual school.

Because to be honest, three weeks out from graduation, I see that the real education—the stuff that sticks with and shapes you long after your last exam—takes place outside of the lecture halls.

College just provides the setting. It's up to you to turn your experiences into wisdom.

Here are the lessons I've learned, punctuated by some of my favorite quotes for the sake of academia:

"You only are free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—o place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." –Maya Angelou

I spent the first half of college desperately searching for a place to belong, or at the very least, for a preexisting identity I could emulate, embody, and claim as my own. Initially, I thought I had to be in a sorority. Then, not only could I make my Instagram bio 'Delta Gamma Whatever 2018'—you know, to make sure people knew exactly where I fit on the social totem pole—but I would also have a guaranteed identity to fall back on (not to mention a profile picture of me doing some hand thing with another girl in a matching tank top). After all, if nothing else, that would be proof that I existed, that I was seen and accepted, and most of all, safe. Alas, when that didn't work out, I needed something else to become, something else to be defined by—otherwise, what was I? Who was I? Did I even exist at all?! So I tried on every identity I could, one-by-one: fun party girl, stoner, vegetarian, vegan, funny girl, huge-appetite-girl-who-can-out-eat-anybody, fashion girl, travel girl, etc. Of course, none of those ever felt quite right because those stock characters were exactly that—two-dimensional personas, generalized labels that I tried on* for a period of time—not who I was. (*Note: if you ever have to "try" to be something, that means you are not that. Who you are is who you are, and when you realize and accept that, being yourself is, well, effortless. No trying on involved.) Now, two years and a lifetime of change later, I have never been more sure of a) who I am and b) that feeling lonely, like Rupi Kaur said, is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself. And you know what? The world responds to me differently now, I suspect because people are drawn to authenticity in a world full of imitation and insecurity. I'm way cooler now than I ever was trying to be someone or something else. And that's only because you taught me that feeling lame just meant I was trying to fit into another skin, instead of just rocking my own. It's easy to thrive when you're being you.

“The connection that we forge by judging and mocking others is not real connection. The challenge is to stop using gossip, common enemy intimacy, and oversharing as a way to hotwire connection." –Brené Brown

But judging others feels so good, doesn't it? After all, isn't it much more fun and safe to look at people with contempt, categorizing them and feeling superior, especially when what you're actually feeling deep down is... super insecure? This is especially true for young people, and even more so for females, and even more so for females at a school where they wildly outnumber males ('How DARE she look so hot in that low-cut dress that I would totally wear and wish I had! She's not even that pretty! Her boobs are so saggy. Right, Doug? No? Well did you know she has herpes?') Judging, when used as a defense mechanism time and time again, eventually becomes automatic, resulting in any form of internal discomfort being instantly transformed into disdain for others—anything to stop that yucky feeling of jealousy or awkwardness or self-consciousness. It's even better when you have a group of equally salty friends you can do it with, to make sure you can convince yourself you're not jealous, insecure, or any of the things driving the urge to talk shit. If you're surrounded by people agreeing with you, then your opinion must be correct, right? In all seriousness, though, groupthink is very real. And protection from judgment always feels stronger when you can ensure you're on the offense before anyone can make you feel defensive (even though, by that definition, you're... living on the defense). Trust me, I understand the logic: Judging others means you can't get hurt, because even if the ubiquitous 'they' are judging you, it doesn't matter because you judged them first and thus you're better than them and blah blah blah. Sure, at first you may glean some temporary relief, a fleeting dopamine hit—but just remember when you hate or judge a person, you're hating or judging a part of him or her that lives in you. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. Once I got out of the toxic mindset of judging others to “protect” myself, life improved drastically—because I stopped judging myself so much, too. And also was just happier. And nicer. And had more friends. Win-win-win-win-win.

"Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell." –Don Miguel Ruiz

"To hate is an easy, lazy thing, but to love takes strength everyone has but not all are willing to practice." –Rupi Kaur 

"You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with." –Jim Rohn

That brings me to the next lesson you taught me, which speaks for itself. Simply put, you are a direct result of the thoughts you think and the people you choose to be surrounded by. Those you spend time with WILL impact the thoughts you think. I know from personal experience that while you can tell yourself you can hang out with the people closest to you without them (or their negative qualities) influencing you at all, it's only a matter of time before the way they think and live becomes the way you think and live. You start seeing the world through the eyes of the people you’re constantly around, so trust your intuition. If you think someone is sketchy, or you know they're a blatant liar, choose the discomfort of cutting them off over the discomfort of becoming a sketchy, lying person with trust issues. Also, there's a difference between people you feel you need approval from—or people who have manipulated you into thinking you need their approval—and true friends. Don't get the two mixed up, or you're in for a never-ending, soul-sucking relationship that’ll make you feel you have nowhere else to turn. And while it's true having no friends is markedly better than having bad ones, I've learned that it doesn't have to be that extreme. Because guess what? If you value yourself and feel worthy of uplifting, genuine, and inspirational friendships—and you have the strength to extricate yourself from the not-so-good-ones—you’ve got bliss waiting for you on the other side. It works the other way around, too: the more incredible people you surround yourself with, the more incredible your life becomes. You can have the good things. You can be around the good people. You just have to choose. Always choose discomfort over resentment, whether it's self-resentment or resentment toward others. And remember: you teach people how to treat you, and you can always change the lesson plan. It is never, ever, ever too late.

People are hard to hate close up. Move in." –Brené Brown

One of the biggest things you taught me is how much my subconscious and preconceived notions dictated how I saw the world around me—particularly people I saw as being 'different' from myself. Taking classes that I knew were out of my comfort zone and not topics I would usually gravitate toward was one of the best decisions I made during our four years together. Your world really can be as big or as small as you want it to be, and when I started consciously making mine larger—taking women's studies classes, dabbling in the arts department—I saw that the people I thought I had nothing in common with were as, well, normal and human as me. They, too, hated getting up early and writing papers; they got sad and frustrated; they had family problems and traumas; they were funny and kind… Everyone I thought I had figured out without needing to actually get to know ended up being way more like me than unlike me. And the ways in which we were different became an interesting conversation, part of an expanding dialogue and a broader understanding of humanity at large, rather than a threat or something foreign to be avoided. I realized if those I was once convinced I would never have anything in common with ended up being pretty human, and pretty damn likable, that's probably the case with everyone. So now, I get close. I don't stay back. Because everyone has a story. We're all in this together, and we won't realize it unless we move in with vulnerability.

"What terrifies me most is how we foam at the mouth with envy when others succeed, but sigh in relief when they are failing. Our struggle to celebrate each other is what's proven most difficult in being human." –Rupi Kaur

Why is this? Why do we seize up in jealousy and resentment whenever someone achieves something amazing?! Why do we have to reassure ourselves that whoever got that dream job probably won't have it in a few years? If you taught me anything, Carolina, it's that we don't see the world the way it is—we see the world the way we are. When you have enough confidence, self-love, and connection within yourself—when your biggest concern is not what others are doing, but how you are evolving, how your path is looking—others' success doesn’t feel like such a threat. It doesn’t even occur to you to NOT be happy for others. It’s when you’re feeling down about yourself, unworthy in some way, that those rabid, seething thoughts emerge. So use your feelings as a litmus test for your self-worth: If you find yourself being triggered by (and/or wanting to talk shit about) some beautiful girl's Instagram post showing off her new home/job/boyfriend/vacation/whatever, be honest with yourself. Remember that what isn't a part of ourselves doesn't disturb us, so if you're getting annoyed by someone's success in a certain area, it's likely that that area of yours needs some tending to, whether emotional or otherwise. You know you're in a good place when you can genuinely be happy for others. One more reminder remind: another person’s looks, intelligence, or success doesn't diminish your own, and if you feel like it does, notice. Then accept that looks, intelligence, or success should be the last of your worries—what you should focus on is doing the inner work. Once you stop looking outward and start looking inward, all the things you want will come your way. Trust me on this one.

“What we don’t own owns us. Anywhere we have shadows still, where we are judging or projecting, it’s just where we’re wanting to be loved.” –Lacy Phillips

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Without the experiences I've had with you, all the ups and downs, I would have never considered making one of the best choices of my life: going to talk to a therapist. I believe that all of us, regardless of life circumstances or problems, would benefit immensely from having a rational, removed, third-party professional to take in our brain dumps with empathy, synthesize what's going on, and reflect back to us what might be happening underneath it all. It's incredible and empowering in so many ways, far beyond just paying someone to listen to all of your problems (which is what I thought therapy was before I tried it out). It's truly life changing to know that a) you're not alone, b) there are reasons for why you are the way you are, and understanding those reasons is the first step to liberation and c) you can think about something a thousand ways to Sunday, convinced you've seen every angle, and then someone who has a fresh perspective can hit you with a truth or nugget of wisdom that you would have never stumbled across yourself. Distance = enlightenment, because when we're so caught up in our own backstrokes, it's hard to see the ocean we're swimming through. The power of having someone provide an empathetic container for your overflowing cup is not to be understated—and until you give it a shot (and find the right therapist!), you’ll never know just how much you were carrying. Lighten your load. The world feels a little easier when you're not holding so much.

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” –Roald Dahl

Ahh, appearance. It's kind of an uncomfortable topic, but one that I feel needs to be addressed, because it's a vulnerability I've been plagued by firsthand. The first two years of our relationship, I dealt with my insecurities by festering with jealousy toward girls who had qualities I wish I had, whether in real life or online. I'd be jealous of girls with flatter stomachs, skinnier legs, prettier hair, whiter teeth, a better tan, and so on and so forth. And during that period, all that outward energy and inward hatred manifested in how I looked and how I treated myself and my body. But when I left North Carolina for a summer internship in Los Angeles after my sophomore year, something happened—my outsides started reflecting what I wanted to see all along, almost effortlessly. Since then, I've only become happier and more confident in myself and my appearance with each passing year. What changed during those few months? I realized that what we focus on, positive or negative, we attract—and what we think about, we become. That summer, I made myself a promise: to prioritize becoming the person I wanted to be over anything else. And the person I wanted to be was a happy, carefree girl who manifested all her desires while overflowing with confidence and gratitude and beauty and love. How would she act, think, and live?She certainly wouldn't look at others with jealousy—she'd look at others with appreciation and inspiration. So instead of seeing some quality someone had that I wanted and self-flagellating for my perceived lack of it, I began complimenting and enjoying that quality, in my head and/or out loud. If I saw a girl with a gorgeous tan? I'd tell her, or I'd say to whoever I was with, "Dude, look how tan she is. Her skin looks so pretty." And I'd mean it. If I worked with someone who was laid-back and funny in all the ways I wanted to be, I'd tell him, "I love your personality. You're so chill. I've never met anyone like you." And I’d mean it. If I was with the guy I was into and we passed a stunning girl who looked like she should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated (which, living in L.A., you experience often), I'd point to her and say, "Holy shit. She's gorgeous." And mean it. As you sow, so shall you reap. The more I thought and behaved like the person I wanted to become, the more I believed I was her and the easier and more natural it became—until one morning, I woke up and realized I wasn't faking it anymore. I was exactly who I wanted to be. Amy Cuddy, a professor at Harvard who researches how our bodies affect our brains, said it best: "Don't fake it until you make it. Fake it until you become it." And don't forget: When you look at others and focus on their beauty in a genuine way, that beauty is exactly what will come to you, in your own form. I don't know how it works, but it does. Science, man.

"Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn't work that way." –Oprah Winfrey

And so, Carolina, our time has come to an end. But my time has just begun. You've given me some wings, and now it's up to me to fly. The obvious question is, "Where?"

What do I do with all of this open sky? For the first time in my life, I don't have a roadmap. I don't have any familiarity or structure to look forward to—no August school supply shopping, no moving into dorms or shared campus apartments, no more formula to follow.

Lots of people have opinions on where I should go, including the inner critic that lives in my head.

I could do law school, since that's always a favorite 'safe' bet for smart kids who have no idea what they want to do with their lives (but want a sure bet at making at least $75,000)*. At least that would sound fancy, prestigious, and honorable in the meantime. It would give my parents something to tell their friends. But it wouldn't really solve anything, because three years and a law degree later, I'd still be faced with the black abyss of The Unknown. Except then, the pressure to use my degree and stick with law would be tenfold (thanks, student loans), and I'd probably just end up applying to firms and putting off that feeling of 'there's something more' for my future self (it only gets harder to step away, especially when you're in debt). I don't know about you, but that doesn't feel quite right to me. (*Note: I'm not hating on anyone who wants to go to law school out of true love and their own desire! Only those who are doing it out of fear. I kid, I kid—no judgment either way; that's just not my path.)

I could just use my journalism/reporting degree to apply to newspapers and current event publications, since that'd be an easily justifiable next step. I know I could buckle down, do the work, crank out the stories, and probably keep moving up the ladder while supporting myself financially. But that doesn't feel quite right, either, because I fucking hate the news. (One of my professors literally said that when it comes to broadcast journalism, you can’t go wrong with puppies, babies, and/or crime. Note that UNC-Chapel Hill is widely recognized as having one of the best accredited journalism programs in the country.)

I could also just apply to grad school for one thing or another, because I know how to play the academic game and at least that would buy me a few more years to figure things out (along with another several-thousand dollar piece of paper to further prove my worth). Going back to school would allow me to stay in my comfort zone while also having something rational to tell people I'm doing. But that doesn't solve the problem, either; it only delays the inevitable point of reckoning.

I could just get a job—any job—to be able to say I have one, but that feels rushed and forced and whenever I make hasty decisions out of fear that my life's timing is not on par with everyone else's, it always comes back to bite me in the ass. No bueno.

Perhaps what feels most wrong about all of the options I've listed above is that deep down, I know they're choices I'd be making out of fear and obligation—not love. I'd be choosing them to play it safe. To avoid the Great Unknown.

Jim Carrey once said during a college graduation speech that his father could have been a great comedian, but instead he played it safe for his family and chose to pursue accounting instead. And one day, he got fired from that accounting job.

"You can fail at what you don't want," Carrey said about his father's life. "So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

Now that? That feels right.

Sure, I could play the corporate game, or the grad school game, or the law school game, or any other game, but then it wouldn't be my dream. It'd be my parents', or my inner critic's, or even society's—but what kind of a life is that? Not one I'd die happy living.

This is one of those two-roads-diverging moments where the temptation is heaviest to play it safe, to choose the path more traveled, since paving a new one is scarier than walking down one that’s been traveled a million times before. It's easier to turn away from the black hole, to turn away from asking myself the hard questions about what kind of life I really want to lead, and what kind of work feels meaningful and fulfilling—perhaps because I know the answers to those questions are different than what society or my parents might expect and want to hear.

But if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that all of my inspirations—all the influencers, artists, icons, and legends I look up to—chose the path less taken, every time. When they stood right where I did, they ventured down that unpaved road. Into the unknown. And that was what made all the difference in the end.

You don't impact the world by following a formula or playing it safe to guarantee you'll have health insurance and great benefits—a truth I must remind myself of over and over.

After all, in the words of Joseph Campbell, "If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."

The only thing I know right now? Mine's taking me to Los Angeles, California.

The rest has yet to be written, but I'll surely keep you posted. Hopefully it looks a lot like an indie movie—a cute apartment, lots of time in the sunshine, road trips along the coast, kisses on the beach, and late-night drives through the city. And maybe some work here and there—but work that doesn't feel like work, you know?

Thanks for the memories!

Love and light,

Courtney